fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
