ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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