I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
