Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
