Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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