and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
