You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
