We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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