Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
