I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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