This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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