You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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