she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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