i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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