You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
there's paper in my vomit.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
