Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
