you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
