I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
