Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
tell me about the eggs
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