I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
