She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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