She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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