I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
