I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
