if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
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