Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
