I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
