I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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