no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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