wanna go halves on a baby?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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