Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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