this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
