I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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