I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
