Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
