dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
