Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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