apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
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now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
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fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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