the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
