Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
