I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
