explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
