Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
