I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
