and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
