question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
