I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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