I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
