You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
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i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
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I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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