Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
