I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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