Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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