why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
