You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
