When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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