The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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