Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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