someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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