it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
