Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
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I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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