I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
