So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
