You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
