u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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